“I wish to sue for divorce”, - he says. Such statement, you see, is rather weighty. And the first what you should be convinced of, how much weighed and considered this decision is. If nevertheless it appears that it was born for a long time, and you learnt about it too late, when you already cannot change anything, let’s think together how to act in such situation.
A stinker on horizon?
The first mistake majority of women makes, is that they start searching for the reason not in themselves or relations with husband, but from the outside. For example, there was such stinker on a way, who stole a man belonging entirely to you.
The reason or consequence?
But before speaking about reasons, which induced him doing this, it is necessary to tell what cannot be a reason. We mean here a girl mentioned earlier. It is important for you to understand that this circumstance is not a reason of cooling of your relations, it is a consequence. They are a consequence of fading of emotional affinity between you. The nature does not suffer emptiness and if it (emptiness) appeared, maybe even partly, in your man’s heart, someone will necessarily fill it. Here it is not so important, who exactly.
Was everything faultless before?
Do not fall below own advantage to find-out relations with this girl, attempts to meet her, talk and “understand”. It is impossible to dare following an erroneous way of false conclusion: “Everything was good, but there was this stinker, and all were spoilt”. Unfortunately, many roll down to similar nonsense in an impulse of emotions.
There are only cracks from your love?
Therefore let’s understand once and for all – if two persons love each other, sincerely care about each other, nobody and nothing can destroy this. And if someone destroyed, this means that love gave a serious crack long before. But, as a rule, someone appears, when there are only ruins from love. So dismiss thoughts on “competitor”, differently you will get into a role of a Victim, that will do bad service for you.
What are internal reasons?
Now we will talk about reasons promoting occurrence of intention to leave. In this case pay attention to the fact that not all marriages break up just because a woman pushes a man to parting with her behaviour. Quite often husbands go on rupture of relations, being guided by internal reasons. It There are lots of these internal reasons. Desire to leave from parental influence faster, “all marry and I also should”, decision of financial problems by means of marriage, desire have a child, and others prevent normal family development.
“Wrong” motive will dissolve a marriage, you can be sure of that!
For comparison we will consider correct motives for a marriage. So, this is when people not just wish to live together, but also wish to help each other, care, make each other happy. Thus they understand that marriage has different functions, for example, emotional, sexual dialogue, education of children, material support and so on. Thus, if any “wrong” motive becomes the main thing, a partner (on achievement of his purpose) will, most likely, dissolve a marriage, as there will be no sense in it anymore.
For example, a young man separated from parents, what was his overall objective, and it appeared that living together with someone is not very pleasant for him, he would prefer living alone or living with some other person. Other example: a woman dreamt of a baby and only for the sake of this dream realisation she married, and after childbirth she naturally lost interest to her husband, marriage died.
What to do?
Thus, one of the reasons of created situation is crisis connected with inadequate motives of matrimony. It is possible to overcome this crisis, but for this purpose it is necessary, that there was a new motivation: something for the sake of what you would like to continue living together. This is very uneasy, as often it appears that spouses do not arrange each other on many parametres. And to solve this uneasy problem, it is necessary to learn, first of all, what exactly does not suit you in each other?
Ideal variant is a joint campaign to a family psychologist, who will help taking place to open dialogue between you, constructing a family future, defining purposes for the sake of which both of you are ready to live together. Though here there can be a problem again, as in most cases a man already focused on divorce, refuses going to an expert. It is rather unpleasant procedure, why should he suffer it, if he already solved all? And in similar situation, relations will collapse with a high probability.
What we can recommend in this uneasy situation?
• Anyway, it is not necessary to blame neither you, nor a husband. Refuse a role of the Victim, if it already became close to you. For this purpose cease being humiliated in front of your husband and be not engaged in self-flagellation.•
• Try to estimate, how thick a wall between you is? If it is not infinite, try to change a situation.•
• Occupy an active position, without it you won’t do.•
• Understand yourself: try to understand, what move syou? How your desires and thoughts correspond with acts. It is uneasy, but in present state of affairs it is necessary.•
• Try to define, what requirements you aspire to realise in marriage and whether your husband was a source of their satisfaction. If you did not put your requirements into words, and sounded them in the form of requirements (that frequently occurs), what it is necessary to refuse from now.•
• Try to look at your husband in a new fashion, get acquainted with him anew: What does he like? What are his dreams? Fears? What is close to you in him?•
• Speak with your husband, but not in a condemning form. You need an open meaningful dialogue to find new family purposes and discussion of requirements to each other, and also ways of their satisfaction. How much it is possible between you?•
• Do not idealise your husband, and try to estimate soberly what exactly you will lose, having terminated your marriage? Maybe this is just a habit?
A new feeling to each other can grow from all these attempts, not necessarily such bright, as at the time of your first years, but giving sensation of warmth and understanding what is more important now. If you understand you are strange people, this will also become a serious result of this uneasy work. When it is possible to tell: “I have made everything I could”, doubts will cease tormenting you.
In conclusion I wish to say that only you can take a final decision, this depends on what you want. What forces you clinging to these relations, after all you are unhappy with this man. Act, instead sitting and waiting, while the situation is somehow resolved. Be conducted not only by your heart, but also mind!
